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These are just some of the symptoms I am experiencing right now and honestly is really really difficult to undergo. Life is really hard in this state and it makes it harder with elevated stress. Depending on the severity, stress can be trying to make dinner or even planning a stress free day. Everything feels impossible to achieve, and yet you have an abundance of energy that you shake with anxiety. I have all these ideas but don't start because I know within a few days I will be depressed again. This is a tough post to write because it's quite vulnerable. So I had a manic episode last night and this morning because I was worried about a trivial matter and started slamming my hands on the table and punching the wall. I started crying uncontrollably and felt that my situation was hopeless and there is no way I'm ever getting better. Now, it's only been about three hours later and I feel better. (Ativan works am I right ;) ) But for me, next time I will work on recognizing my triggers sooner and doing what I need to calm myself down. Sometimes it's just hard.
So, I"m still trying to figure out what more about my Bi Polar symptoms and what's normal for me (or my new normal). I always thought of myself as a very goal orientated person, however I feel that sometimes it's an unreasonable amount. So I thought today I would review my day from yesterday.
Tuesday: 5:15am - wake up 6:00-6:45am - gym 6:45-8:00am - get ready for the day ( let dog out, get changed, drive a million years to get back home) 8:00am - take dog for a walk 9:00am- put dog to bed and have a bath, relax paint my nails 11:00-12:00 have lunch with friends 12:00- 2:00 - start reorganizing my bookshelves to color code - go for another walk with the dog - split wood but not do anything with it 2:00-4:00 - become so exhausted and have a nap 4:00-6:00pm - walk the dog again - pace around the house - have dinner 6:00- 8:00pm - have dinner - run around my house several times to try and calm down - do a workout video - watch part of a movie And now its 3:12am, however I have been up since 2am because I can't sleep. I actually don't feel too bad about it because at least I slept and don't feel super tired. I'm just waiting now to go back to the gym. I don't know if this qualifies as a hypomania? or what... maybe I just have energy I don't know. I need to read more haha So, because I'm a teacher I'm going to review the three discoveries I made this week in alphabetical order. Jk, in three paragraphs. This one is the introductory paragraph so it doesn't count. 1. FInding your Voice: That's a tough one. I"m a really good people pleaser. But like my Dr. said, "you can't always be a superhero." My mission in this time of life is to find it. And if anyone knows where to start, let me know. I"m pretty sure it starts with saying "no" to things... I'm really good at saying 'yes' to things so this will be hard. 2. Finding my Identity: Ever since I was diagnosed with depression, I started looking through my journals to see if there was any clue that could tell me when it started. I noticed that I repeatedly started writing about how I have lost my identity or I can't find it and lost in somewhere along the way. Ever since I found the strength to not let my secrets rule me, I have started to find strength in my own abilities and who I am. I hated who I am because I felt weak. But now I'm starting to feel stronger because I've forced myself to care about me. And that's a game changer. 3. Who knew Bi Polar 2 freaking existed?! I sure didn't! That's partially why I started this blog; to show people that this mental illness exists and if you struggle with something, the best thing you can do is to tell someone. If you don't, you feel hopeless and trapped. I'm still on this journey, actually just started it, and I know I am better off in this hospital, having told someone that I was struggling than being in my room, never sleeping, having thoughts of suicide or having other negative thoughts. People are better than you think, but it takes caring about you enough to just say a few words of 'I need help', then everyone will take care of the rest. Maybe later I'll go into the nitty gritty details of the illness or maybe I wont'. Depending on how much strength I have and right now I'm just taking it day by day. |