This was November 14, 2018:
Anxiety. Anger. Mood shifts. Inattention. Depression. All things I experience on a daily basis. This is not to feel sorry for me in any way but by bringing it to the surface, hopefully people who struggle with this can know that they are not alone and that there is hope. I don't pretend to have done this on my own. I go to counselling (currently have two) and so I have sessions nearly every week, and I also keep in touch once a month with my psychiatrist to review my meds. I don't go out a whole lot but I do what I can to take care of myself. Before starting on this journey, I remember thinking, "I just want to care," and now with these helps in my life I really feel like I do. With my birthday happening today I've had some time to reflect and I honestly wondered if I would make it to my 26th birthday because life was very very difficult. But I found that once I was able to open up and just tell my few close people, they were ready with tools to help me and lead me to where I needed to be, which at that time was the hospital. Now they still help, but the difference now is I want to help myself and am ready to put in the time to make that happen too. Healing just takes a bit of time; and by a bit I mean years. But now I feel like I can make it :) which is huge progress and something I am very grateful to have. I have never been so grateful to be alive and breathe each breath. This is Now: So in the past year I've been to the hospital three times, struggled with self harm, battled against self doubt and self hate, and have come out of it alive! More than alive, proud that I am here and so relieved that the struggle isn't as intense as it was before. There are still moments but thankfully not as severe. I feel like I've entered another faze of my healing journey where I'd like to help others who struggle because I feel so grateful for those who helped alongside me. I've been flipping through the first few pages of my blog and I'm constantly asking myself who I am in this journey and how am I going to make it. Well I've made it and I feel so much more confidant in who I am as a person. I feel peaceful and calm most days (not to say there aren't 'those days' ) but I feel much more at peace with who I am as a person. I'm not afraid anymore. I''m not afraid of the pysch ward, I'm not afraid of my medication, and I'm not afraid of what others think who aren't in my social network. Because it's ok to struggle, because everyone does. I'm just talking about it.
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