This will just be a quick update to get you up to speed of what's been going on. So since I stopped taking my medication, my doctor has been slowly upping my dosage until I feel fairly stable. Now I'm finally at the point where I don't need to add anymore medication because I'm feeling better. I can hold conversations again for the most part. I can mostly go to the grocery store by myself without getting anxious, and my sleep is getting better. Sleep and paranoia are the two primary things to look for when dealing with a mental illness. I've been able to move on from some of the words people have said about me which is awesome and I'm starting to feel like myself again. I've started exercising on a regular basis. Nothing crazy just moving more which is great. I'm honestly loving how I'm feeling. I have energy, not the same as I used to but at least its more controlled and not CRAZY!! haha anywho that's all for me!
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Wow. These past few weeks have been tough. I think the sinkers have been the negative words people have said about me to be quite honest. They hurt me down deep in a place I never thought existed. I never fully realized how incredibly hurtful words can be until I was reminded again of what it was like. But that's ok, because we learn. And rather than become bitter and unresponsive to the matter, it has built me up to hopefully become a better person. I've been learning a lot about identity in these past few years. What is my identity? In the beginning I found it in my job, my career,and my schooling. Once that was more or less taken away for a time, I learned that you still have worth, without those things which is super important. But then I noticed I took to heart what people said about me too much. That became my identity; what people thought about me. And I'm not going to lie it still is to a certain degree. But I've learned now that you can't rely so heavily on everyone's opinion of you because they may just not be right. And that's ok, but it's important to not let it ruin you. And for a while, it did. It RUINED ME. But I'm getting back up, and I choose to believe I am enough, simply because I'm ME.
The epidemic. Let's not talk about it for a bit. Let's talk about what brings us LIFE. Because that's what honestly unites us, and brings us together even when we are apart. I'm starting to notice how much more I value people and their time. I truly value the time spent with them and enjoy getting to see them again. That is something I won't take for granted again. I'm loving the outdoors. I did before but now it's a God send. I'm so appreciative of people who risk their lives to save others. And most of all I'm so happy for family. I'm so grateful I can still see them over Skype or Zoom or whatever because at least I know they are ok.
On to other matters. I'm doing really well in terms of my Bipolar health journey. My pyschiatrist lowered my Epival which should help with the sleepiness and lack of energy etc... We are slowly going off of it so that I don't have any adverse reactions to it. I'm doing well. I feel healthy, I'm enjoying the small things and I feel stable. I feel ready to go back to full time work now and feel confidant in that. What has really helped me through all of this is keeping a positive mindset. I know that sounds so cheesy, but I've gone through the ringer, I know that what you feed your brain is what you are going to get out. If you constantly feed your brain, telling yourself your not good enough, your bad or your not cut out for this life, its going to get rough. But retraining your brain has helped me so so much to gain perspective on life and gain a new sense of self. That's all folks! Hailey
This was November 14, 2018:
Anxiety. Anger. Mood shifts. Inattention. Depression. All things I experience on a daily basis. This is not to feel sorry for me in any way but by bringing it to the surface, hopefully people who struggle with this can know that they are not alone and that there is hope. I don't pretend to have done this on my own. I go to counselling (currently have two) and so I have sessions nearly every week, and I also keep in touch once a month with my psychiatrist to review my meds. I don't go out a whole lot but I do what I can to take care of myself. Before starting on this journey, I remember thinking, "I just want to care," and now with these helps in my life I really feel like I do. With my birthday happening today I've had some time to reflect and I honestly wondered if I would make it to my 26th birthday because life was very very difficult. But I found that once I was able to open up and just tell my few close people, they were ready with tools to help me and lead me to where I needed to be, which at that time was the hospital. Now they still help, but the difference now is I want to help myself and am ready to put in the time to make that happen too. Healing just takes a bit of time; and by a bit I mean years. But now I feel like I can make it :) which is huge progress and something I am very grateful to have. I have never been so grateful to be alive and breathe each breath. This is Now: So in the past year I've been to the hospital three times, struggled with self harm, battled against self doubt and self hate, and have come out of it alive! More than alive, proud that I am here and so relieved that the struggle isn't as intense as it was before. There are still moments but thankfully not as severe. I feel like I've entered another faze of my healing journey where I'd like to help others who struggle because I feel so grateful for those who helped alongside me. I've been flipping through the first few pages of my blog and I'm constantly asking myself who I am in this journey and how am I going to make it. Well I've made it and I feel so much more confidant in who I am as a person. I feel peaceful and calm most days (not to say there aren't 'those days' ) but I feel much more at peace with who I am as a person. I'm not afraid anymore. I''m not afraid of the pysch ward, I'm not afraid of my medication, and I'm not afraid of what others think who aren't in my social network. Because it's ok to struggle, because everyone does. I'm just talking about it.
I've had the perception that I'm not going to make it through this. That this is it; my life has been turned upside down and now I have to learn what its' like in this new body, in this new mind, I never used to be scared about going to the grocery store, or to a friends house or even going for a bike ride. Well now I look back and I'm almost at my one year anniversary of being in the hospital. I feel branded emotionally from having my illness. But I'm done, I'm done listening to my emotions and feelings that constantly tell me to end it or remember the trauma of this past year. I'm not denying my condition, I'm just saying that its time for my brain to change and I am ready to fight for my life to make it happen. But something had to go wrong or something for me to remind myself of who I am.Of course it would have been easier to go through a transformation in my personal perception of myself without the nervous breakdown, it was necessary for me to find my new positive perception of myself. If I don't change now, I'm going to be ten years down the road unable to do the same things that I can't do now, and that's not me. I am strong, I am healthy. I have a good brain and am intelligent. I have a positive support network and can think greater than the circumstances in my life. So I'm creating a vision for myself of what my future will look like and will share with you once I have explored it.
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