I'm having a hard time. Some days are good, but others days seem really hard to make it through. I feel like I'm losing it again sometimes. I've started sitting at my bedroom window waiting for a car to pass, thinking its going to pull into my driveway to do God knows what. I don't want anyone to feel afraid or worried about my safety because I am completely safe but I have just been feeling very down the last couple of days. I'm not who I was. That is something that is just eating me up inside. I don't look the same, I don't feel the same. I keep thinking, "just get up, just move on." But the depression won't go away and I can't seem to remove this fog out of my head. I have the tools I just need to use them but it's like I have no energy to even do that. It takes all my energy to smile and be excited and interact with others that the rest feels exhausting. I'm not looking for sympathy or for you to get overly concerned (mom and dad ;) ) I'm just going through a rough patch.
Love you all, Hailey
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Who are we really? I feel like everyone must ask that question at some point in their life. I remember thinking, “I think I’m losing myself”, over and over again. It would be like a nightmare where I kept looking in the mirror, or doing different activities and every time it’s like a little piece of me kept chipping away. I still have trouble with it sometimes but I feel like I’ve gotten to the bottom of it for the most part. For me, there are two problems. The firsts is I am often looking at the past to find out who I am now. And that’s just not going to work anymore. We are always changing, hopefully, and to base yourself on who you are now to the person you were back then is honestly a waste of time. One day though I was thinking of the past and how much better I was. A better wife, a better figure, a better friend, then all of a sudden, I got the thought that, my present life is not a failure. I had been comparing myself TO myself for so long that I created a bad and a good version of me so of course I ended up hating my present self and idolizing my past, which also isn’t good. In conclusion, it’s ok to change; its ok to feel strange. But know that you are not a failure for not being your 20-year-old self or your 30-year-old self etc.… Time changes all of us, but it’s what we do with the change we are given that really governs how our life goes. Even if it’s so hard we have to ask for help.
Being in the hospital is tough but just the right thing I needed at just the right time. Sometimes life doesn't happen the way you want it to, but that's ok. What I've learned from my experiences our way the pain. It takes guts to walk this walk and I'm learning that I'm a fighter. I'm learning that it's important to believe in yourself and to not lose hope.
So what happened? As the seasons change, so do our moods. Everyone feels them but when a person has bipolar the symptoms are amplified greatly. There are three basic episodes a person with bipolar 2 can experience roughly. Depressive, hypomanic and mixed. I had soemthing called a mixed episode where I would experience a range of intense emotions including agitation, irritability, tension, anxiety and severe depression. Once these symptoms started happening I went back to my Dr. to get my meds sorted again and we both decided that would be best in the hospital. I'm not going to sugar coat my experience, it's difficult. But at the same time its helping me feel calm, and relearn some things I had forgotten about self care. It's always important that if your in a tough spot to know there is always places that rekindle hope and self worth.
I want to be a warrior. NO, not that kind... the metaphorical kind. the kind who stands out into the arena (of life) and gets her butt kicked and stands up and keeps moving forward. That takes vulnerability, bravery and courage. Because it's not so much that you get knocked down, it's that everyone in the arena is watching. But there comes a point (reason why I did this blog) where it just doesn't matter anymore because it needs to happen. I need to be vulnerable about my decisions, about my life and with my family members so that I can live a life I want to live. I know I'm not alone in this. Sometimes it just takes a trip to the pysch ward to figure out who you are ;)
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